These last few days, I realized why I was not feeling myself. The holiday. Its reminding me that I have no family around, and the one I committed myself to for a long ten years didn't give a hoot about holidays. So I feel regret. Regret that I missed out on all the family holidays with my grandparents before they passed away. They were huge holiday celebrators. My whole family was and I was too until I moved away with Ex and though I wanted to celebrate, it was one sided and my celebrations were lonely. Regrets that I wasted what should of been the best years of my life.
And that was what was bumming me out big time.
But, I can't sit and sulk, I must take things one step at a time sometimes.
And once I realized what was bumming me out, I could deal with it.
So on the 4th, I worked in the morning, came home for a bit in the afternoon and worked in the yard cutting brush and tree branches which made my arms so weak and shaky for an hour after that I could not eat lunch or even drink water. I wonder if that is a strange Lupus thing? I've never had that happen before and it was pretty scary how bad my arms were shaking! I gave up trying to hold anything and just took a nap until work called me back. Last year I could of worked all day like that, not just 30 minutes and never even feel it. :( It made me feel weak and horrible. I can not give up gardening. Its bad enough I have had to give up hiking and backpacking this year as well! I refuse to give up my garden. Dammit. If I have to do things with tillers and in raised beds instead of how I prefer to do everything by hand, then I will have to. But I am not giving it up.
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